The Akatsuki are haunting my house
by Solosan
Summary: If you get past the confusing linguistics, you get to see the police fighting it out intellect-wise with the Akatsuki. Just so you know... Total crack. OC's that appear are: JK aka Jennifer Kang, Andrew Kang, Brittaney Day and Natalie. Do enjoy.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: These take the form of e-mails. If you want to simply want to skip the intro, go straight to chapter 3! If you are wondering 'What the hell?" This is too CRACK for you, so please go back one page for the more ordinary and safer stories.

Hello...

Um yes...

Now I have no idea what to say...

Good luck for the exams... And shit...

And yeah...

Shutting up now...

Bye.

JJ Kang

Ps... I've got something I really have to tell you Britz...


	2. Chapter 2

Hello?

Testing

Testing

"Oh i think i hit an empty space sir"

"What are you talking about? This is Jennifer Kang you're talking to. How can you be so rude and call her an empty space. Jeez dam rookie"

"Um sir, i was wondering"

"Ooooh don't hurt yourself there"

"Funny. I was just wondering-"

"Now i told you! You just a dam rookie, thinking or even wondering is not part of your job description. So just stop whatever you were gonna say"

"Ouch! There's no need to be mean. But i will say this, she's not gonna listen no matter how hard we try"

"Oi! Listen here, i know dam well she won't listen cause you're not saying anything!"

_Silence_


	3. Chapter 3

"..._Ok I just bought this thing let's see if this works- Ouch! Damn live wires it's going to kill me one of these days... Andrew! This isn't working!_

... What do you mean it's none of your business get your ass over here and help out! No I'm not going to get Hidan to help me out, he works part time at the Akatsuki plus he's only going to cuss the machine to death and that's not going to help...

... Which button? There's no red flashing... Oh wait there is , never mind. ...

...What do you mean 'I told you so?' if you quit talking on the phone to dear darling pooh up the road and actually came over here to help out, we wouldn't be in this mess!...

... Yeah so what if I don't have an actual office like Britz? That show off doesn't even appreciate rookies for crying out loud...

...What? Do I look like Naruto? A ramen is NOT goingto help here... Although if you're offering...

...tch stinge.'

...Don't bring it over here! It's gonna spill and the-

static__

If you do not go by the name Britz or work for the Day corporation, please leave a message after the _beep._


	4. Chapter 4

"It's not working."

"..."

"Don't give me that look!"

"..."

"Aw fuckitty fuck. I know you already told me but I don't know how this thing works and Andrew is out so you just gotta help me!"

"Jashin sama should sacrifice your ass seriously. How the bloody fuck can someone who cannot even bloody handle a fucking bundle of scrap metal be bloody born? Seriously..."

"That's not going to help her, un."

"Shut the fuck up. Do you expect those bloody retards from Konoha to fucking help? For fucks sake they haven't even mastered the fucking weather!"

"Guys..."

"Sunagakure no sato has not mastered that either, but it's still an excellent hidden Village."

"What the fuck? Sasori?"

"Aren't you meant to be dead Sasori danna?"

"Do I look dead?"

"Is that a trick question un?"

"Hn..."

"What the fuck Itachi? If you have something to fucking say! Fucking say it you emotionally constipated heathen!"

"I think she would like to say something."

"Can't we just snail mail?"

"Fucking heathen. That's blasphemy to Jashin sama! Don't you know fucking anything?"

"What has your religion got to do with anything un?"

"Fuck you Deidara! You and your fucking deformed hands!"

"I shall pen the letter then."

"Why the fuck must you do it? Fucking Uchiha's know it all."

"Hidan?"

"What Sasori? What the fuck now? Seriously every one on my bloody ass about fucking nothing..."

"Look into Uchiha sans eyes for a moment."

"Huh? Why the fuck should I do- Ahhh! Jashin sama no! Keep the fucking pink elephants away! Ahhh!"

"Guys..."

"Are you ready?"

"Err... I guess, maybe I should just wait for Andrew to get back..."

"No. Just narrate to Uchiha san what you wish to relay to this one Brittaney Day and we shall take our leave."

"But Leader sama is enjoying the Milo here un."

"Correction, we shall take our leave once Leader sama has finished your supply of Milo."

"Thank you Itachi, that's _such_ a comfort."

"It's a pleasure. What shall I write?"

"Um... tell her, her writing is as horrendous as ever and that she really should correct her spelling mistakes when she knows it's wrong... And I'll see her on anime night. Yup, that's about it."

"Hn..."

_To my foolish little friend,_

I find that the your language skills have actually weakened. It is because you lack hatred. You should focus your hate and become stronger. If you haven't become stronger, then run away and live your pathetic existence because come the Anime Night, I, Uchiha Itachi _shall come and...  
_scratched out from "Uchiha Itachi"

_...come Anime Night I shall see how much you have grown. Till then._


	5. Chapter 5

"It's not working."

"..."

"Don't give me that look!"

"..."

"Aw fuckitty fuck. I know you already told me but I don't know how this thing works and Andrew is out so you just gotta help me!"

"Jashin sama should sacrifice your ass seriously. How the bloody fuck can someone who cannot even bloody handle a fucking bundle of scrap metal be bloody born? Seriously..."

"That's not going to help her, un."

"Shut the fuck up. Do you expect those bloody retards from Konoha to fucking help? For fucks sake they haven't even mastered the fucking weather!"

"Guys..."

"Sunagakure no sato has not mastered that either, but it's still an excellent hidden Village."

"What the fuck? Sasori?"

"Aren't you meant to be dead Sasori danna?"

"Do I look dead?"

"Is that a trick question un?"

"Hn..."

"What the fuck Itachi? If you have something to fucking say! Fucking say it you emotionally constipated heathen!"

"I think she would like to say something."

"Can't we just snail mail?"

"Fucking heathen. That's blasphemy to Jashin sama! Don't you know fucking anything?"

"What has your religion got to do with anything un?"

"Fuck you Deidara! You and your fucking deformed hands!"

"I shall pen the letter then."

"Why the fuck must you do it? Fucking Uchiha's know it all."

"Hidan?"

"What Sasori? What the fuck now? Seriously every one on my bloody ass about fucking nothing..."

"Look into Uchiha sans eyes for a moment."

"Huh? Why the fuck should I do- Ahhh! Jashin sama no! Keep the fucking pink elephants away! Ahhh!"

"Guys..."

"Are you ready?"

"Err... I guess, maybe I should just wait for Andrew to get back..."

"No. Just narrate to Uchiha san what you wish to relay to this one Brittaney Day and we shall take our leave."

"But Leader sama is enjoying the Milo here un."

"Correction, we shall take our leave once Leader sama has finished your supply of Milo."

"Thank you Itachi, that's _such_ a comfort."

"It's a pleasure. What shall I write?"

"Um... tell her, her writing is as horrendous as ever and that she really should correct her spelling mistakes when she knows it's wrong... And I'll see her on anime night. Yup, that's about it."

"Hn..."

_To my foolish little friend,_

I find that the your language skills have actually weakened. It is because you lack hatred. You should focus your hate and become stronger. If you haven't become stronger, then run away and live your pathetic existence because come the Anime Night, I, Uchiha Itachi _shall come and...  
_scratched out from "Uchiha Itachi"

_...come Anime Night I shall see how much you have grown. Till then._


	6. Chapter 6

"Um sir how to I reply?"

"How the hell I'm supposed to know, do Cap is passed out on the couch."

"Well didn't she say anything after she passed out?"

"I sure as hell hope not"

"Why you say that?"

"Rethink what you asked Sergeant?"

"Huh? but why should I do that I'm not the one-" _Gets hit on the head _"What do go and do that for sir?"

"I meant the previous question dipshit"

_Long pause_

"Ah, I see now. My apologies si-" _gets hit again_

"Now what were you gonna ask sergeant?"

"Um just that, did the Captain say anything _before _she passed out"

"Um let me think"

_Long pause_

_"_She said and I quote: FUCK JEN COULD YOU HAVE AT LEAST PUT SOME ACTIONS TO YOUR WORDS, I MEAN FOR FUCK SAKE THAT WAS THE MOST RANDOM REPLY I HAVE YET TO RECIEVE! She started to hiccup and I couldn't quite make out what she said, something along the lines of BLOODY FUCKING SAD. i think. Ah but then she started to came back with a more audio able response. IF YOU THINK I GIVE A FUCK ABOUT MY SPELLING YOU GOT ANOTHER THING COMING MY DEAR OLD FRIEND! BESIDES IT WOULD HAVE BEEN MORE HELPFULLY IF DIS PIECE OF SHIT COULD SPELL CORRECTLY TO BEING WITH! GODDAMN FUCKING CHINESE TECHNOLOGY, YA HEAR ME! I KNOW YOU HEAR ME JEN I SAID #.__

_**Sorry but this has be prohibited due to racial and harmful language and is an offence to this program me, we hereby disclose this part of the message.**_  
And that's all I got before she keeled over and fell asleep"

"Shit she one hell one of a bad linguist I sure as don't want to be on her bad side"

"I'm with you there"

_**If you are interested in receiving the disclosed information please contact 011 7777 444 they will in turn send you the information. Thank you for using this program me. Hope to see you soon.**_


	7. Chapter 7

"Don't do it un..."

_twitch_

"Really. Don't. It's not a good idea un."

_twitch twitch_

_sigh. _"I can't believe she's actually doing it...

"Hmmm? What is she doing now?"

"Leader sama, she's editing her friends response un."

"Really? Is she that sad? I should recruit her to train my future children linguistics..."

"And make you Milo un?"

"Pardon?"

"Never mind un."

_giggles._

"Shut up Hidan! Why are you giggling? It's freaking scary un!"

"Ah fuck! It's fucking hilarious! Have you read what that Dae girl fucking replied? Ah ha ha, fucking funny man. I could fucking love her seriously she's interesting, not like the dumb fucks I have to put up with here. Fucking hell you assholes should take a fucking page from her fucking book man. I'm up to here with your fucking shit. At least it will be funny shit if you learn from her."

"... Hidan. I do not feel compelled at all, to learn from her."

"What the fuck! Fucking Uchiha! Stay the fuck away from me! Ah fuck! I kept dreaming about those fucking pink elephants! They had Tutu's godammit! Ahem... Jashin dammit I mean."

"Hn..."

"You know... Know that the Milo is finished... And the answering machine is officially dead thanks to Hidan-"

"Fucking pleasure. Anytime seriously."

"-Could you guys just all go away now? Doesn't Kishimoto need you?"

"Well all the dead dipshits are taking a break here so why can't we?"

"Hidan... Aren't you dead too?"

"Fuck no! Dammit JK I'm still fucking alive ok! Kishimoto just finds it fucking annoying to draw me since I'm in fucking pieces thanks to a fucking shit head!"

"Oh..."

"Besides... Leader sama started on your coffee un..."

"Oh."

"She's twitching again, un. Did you hide the papers and the recording well Kakuzu?"

"You paid me after all. It's safe."

"Kakuzu I've got some stuff of my brothers you can sell for a lot..."

"They are under the stone in the garden."

_dash_

(everyone) "KAKUZU!"

"What?"

"Sasori is the letter done?"

"Yes Leader sama."

"Good. Send it ASAP."

_To the members of the Day Corporation_

This is the Akatsuki. Please inform Miss Day that here acquaintance Le-ting Jennifer Kang, is thoroughly enjoying her reply. And that when she comes over on anime night to please bring; Milo, coffee, a live virgin to be sacrificed, glasses, fertilizer, wood polish, your remaining savings, some explosives, candy and some fish food.

Regards  
The Akatsuki.


	8. Chapter 8

_Beep Beep Beep Beep Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeep_

_"_Alright already! For christ sake Louis I told you to put that dam thing on silent! The Captain is gonna murder both of us if she has to wake up to that damn ring tone."

"It ain't mine Sir, I swear I put it on silent."

"Then what the bloody hell is it!?"

"I think it's the Captains voice mail."

"Why would she have such a thing?"

"She has that connection line thing that sketchy chick, you know that Asian broad"

"Oh right."

_Long pause_

_"_Well are you gonna get it?"

"Why must I!? It's the Captains hotline"

"Well she ain't here now is she, so go get it"

_Louis picks up the receiver_

"Hello?"

"Ahuh"

"Oh"

"No Miss Day is asleep right now"

"I will certainly not wake her up!"

"WHY!? Have you ever tried to waggle fresh meat in the face of a seriously hungry bear!?"

"I didn't think so! Just imagine that bear was in a very bad mood and it is about 20 feet talk."

"Now imagine that bear was your employer?"

"Yeah I thought you might reconsider what you had asked. But fortunately for you the Miss has very

reliable employees that are glad to take a message"

"Ahuh"

"Yup, wait how do you spell that? A K A T S U K I. Right got it"

_Put phone down_

_"_Who was that?"

"Wrong number"

"Very funny, Spill it what was the message?"

"Oh right. Um something about forwarding a message the Captain wrong for some fucked up group call A K A T S U K I. You know them?"

"Nope never heard then. So what's the message?"

"Oh we got to download it off the main server"

"Great, just fucking great. And I don't suppose that person told you exactly where this message was located?"

"He said under the folder friends in the Captains folder"

_Long pause, switch on the pc, wait for system loading, loaded, open my computer, 23 folders of the captains folders pop up._

_"_I hope this is not an urgent message; because this is gonna take forever to find"

"Na we got time"

"Sergeant?"

"Yep Sir"

"When is this message due exactly?"

"End of the day, why?"

_**SMACK PUNCH KICK BANG SLAP**_

"Why'd you do that?"

"Bye Sergeant you're on your own on this one! There is no way in hell we are gonna find that message before the end of the day!"

"HUH!!!!!???? How can you leave a man stranded!? We're in this together"

"Not a chance that is the mother of all jobs, we'll need the entire army to find that message in time"

"Well we could call them"

"You're right. I mean it's not like they doing anything besides fighting a war!!!!"

_Sir left, Louis is left searching the 23 folders for a message that only read:_

_{__**Dear jen, buddy old pal.**_

_**Why do you insist that my spelling is so atrocious? I mean it's not like you spelling is any better. Oh and one other thing who the hell are those people that keep adding all theses side comments within your responses? I can't keep track of the conversation because there are just TOO MANY conversations to keep track of!!! FUCK YES! I'M FINALLY FINISHED WITH MY EXAM. SHIT! I have to pick up me repeat on Monday! What kind of sick twisted asshole says that we should get separate reports for our exams!!! Just tell where he is, I'M GONNA SO FIND HIM AND KILL HIM DAED. SO DAED THAT GOD WILL AHVE TO IDENTIFY HIM BY HIS DENTAL RECORDS! I swear i just got on holiday only to hate it because of the reports! GODDAMMIT!**_

_**Yours sincerely**_

_**Miss Brittaney Day}**_


End file.
